Good morning my precious boy. As I awoke throughout the night, my thoughts focused on only one thing - you my sweet, sweet son. I prayed all night for you, that God would protect your heart and make His presence strong with you as you say goodbye to all you've ever know. I am so sorry. I am just so so sorry. I am grieving hard with you today, tears streaming down my face as I think about your last kisses with your nanny. I don't know her name yet, but I have pictures of you together, and you seem to love each other very much. David, our guide in Nanning, shared that the nannies are very good with the children in your orphanage, and that is such an answer to my prayers. However, I know that this goodbye and transition will be that much more difficult for you. I am so sorry that you have to lose so much to gain even more. This is one part of adoption that hurts my heart more than you can imagine.
Tucker, your big brother, taught me so much about how to be a better mommy. Because of him and the experience of watching him make the transition into a family, I am better prepared for what you may experience. I made a lot of mistakes when I became Tucker's mommy. My focus was on him, but it was too much on myself - what I was feeling and the expectations I had for our relationship. These mistakes had great consequences for weeks and months as we became a family. I finally understand. Things finally clicked. All of the training and education we go through to parent our new children with great love and grace, connection during correction, finally became ingrained in my soul. I am more prepared to be your mommy - prepared for the rejection I might experience, the grieving you will experience, the fear you will feel.
Did you know that you were born our very first day in China to adopt Tucker? God both began and continued a mighty work in my heart that day. The last 19 months, the entire duration of your life, has been such a pruning season for me. God was using difficult circumstances in my life to grow me, to shape me, to draw me closer to Him, to remove deep rooted sin in my life - selfishness, self-centeredness, pride. Through a season of loss, I gained even more. More of Him. Less of me.
I am ready, Tyson. I am ready to meet you today with arms wide open. The Holy Spirit inside me leaps as I draw closer, minute by minute, to seeing the beautiful promise God gave me last July.
"To us a child is born, to us a son is given...." Isaiah 9:6
You are that son God spoke of last summer, and now my faith is going to be my sight. This path, this journey, even when I did not know it, was leading me straight to you. It was you. Always you, my precious one. From the moment I saw Liam's precious smile the day he was born, I began making my way to yours. I am overwhelmed with joy and I stand in awe at what the Lord has done. He writes the best stories, my sweet one. He has a plan and a purpose for your life. You have been His child from the moment you breathed your first breath, and I am grateful for the opportunity to join Him in His pursuit for your heart. What a gift. What a privilege.
I will love you forever, Tyson AnTao Abell. You will always be my son, and I will always be your mommy. You will have a family for the rest of your life. You will be cherished, adored, and loved. I can't wait to teach you all about The Father who brought us together. Worlds apart, He had His eyes on both of us. And soon, we will be together. I cannot wait to meet you, my love.
I love you,