4.10.2015

The Storm

Last night I was lying in bed, thinking about how soon Tyson will be home with us. We received his immigration approval this past Tuesday, and many times, families receive Travel Approval approximately one month after that approval. This means somewhere around May 7th, we could receive the green light to travel. Very exciting stuff!

When I think about Tyson coming home, I can't help but wonder how our attachment and bonding will progress this time around. Having Tucker in our arms for almost 18 months now has shown me that even if my relationship with Ty is difficult at first, eventually with time, love, and intentional parenting, our bond will grow. Tucker has given me hope and experience to know and believe that truth. 


As a mom, I am constantly learning. I try to be intentional in my parenting, and we focus a lot on our children's hearts. The Bible is full of verses about the importance of a person's heart, as it is often the epicenter of their behavior. Matthew 15:18 starts out by stating, "But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart...." If we want to influence our children's behavior, we must investigate and influence their hearts. When my children are unkind or disrespectful, I always ask them, "What is happening with your heart?" 

When Tucker joined our family, I think his heart was broken. He loved his nanny, and he was taken from her. He had friends, a routine, and a life, and our presence changed everything he knew. His heart resisted me, and although that response was understandable, my heart felt wounded. Tuck's heart was probably angry, sad, and scared. My heart felt rejected by him, and I carried great bitterness about some other hurts that were happening in my life at that time. These heart issues greatly affected our early relationship. 

Time heals many wounds. I prayed daily that God would stir up a great love in Tucker for me and in me for him. With each month, our relationship grew stronger. Ephesians 4:31-32 states, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." I was able to forgive the source of my anger, hurt, and bitterness, and my heart began to finally experience deep healing. Because my heart was filled with greater love and grace, I was able to pour out that love and grace even more to my family. 

But I have to be honest. I am not a perfect. I have made mistakes along the way. I am learning as I go. Sometimes I follow very sound parenting techniques, and I am on fire in my role as a mom. Other times, my behavior is the product of my heart, which can be critical, selfish, and impatient. When our children have experienced our unconditional love from the moment of their conception, I think they can love us unconditionally even when we make parenting mistakes. However, for our children who are adopted, the ones who did not receive our unconditional love at the beginning of their lives, a more significant rupture in the relationship can take place. I have to humble myself, apologize, and be intentional to repair the relationship when a rupture takes place with my children, especially Tucker. In time, Tuck's trust and love for us has grown exponentially, but I still very intentionally tell him that he is loved, wanted, safe, protected, and cherished every day. I tell him a that I am so thankful that I get to be his mommy, that he gets to be my son, and that he is home forever. 


Last night while thinking about Tyson and wondering what he was doing on the other side of the world, I began to pray that Tucker would continue growing in his love and trust for us. Soon after a great storm began outside. As the rain poured down and the thunder crashed loudly over our house, I knew it was a probably matter of time before Tucker woke up. Storms have always scared him, including when he lived in China. He has told us about the window in the room where he slept and how the storm outside scared him in China. I don't know if the nighttime nannies provided comfort to him or not; regardless, these Spring storms terrify my sweet boy.

All of the sudden, a blood curling scream came through the monitor. I went running into his and Liam's room and reassured Tucker that I was there and that he was safe. He climbed me like a monkey climbs onto his momma and wrapped his arms, legs, hands, feet, fingers, and toes around my body, burying his head into my chest. He gripped me with all of his might. I held him tightly and assured him, "You are safe. You are home. Your family is right here. Mommy is right here. Daddy is here. Liam is safe. Tucker is safe. Noah is safe. We will protect you. Our house is strong. You are ok." These words of comfort went on and on as I rocked my trembling little boy who was still clinging to me with all of his might 10 minutes later. A song quickly came to mind, and I began to sing...

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place where we can't find peace
There's no end to Amazing Grace
Take me in with your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go, never leave my side.


I am,
Holding on to You. 

(And I realized, I was holding onto Tuck)

I am,
Holding on to You.
In the middle of the storm,

(Seriously, a storm?!)

I am Holding on,
I am


I am,
Holding on to You.
I am,
Holding on to you.
In the middle of the storm,
I am holding on,
I am


Love like this, Oh my God to find!
I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!
Love like this sets our hearts on fire!


I am,
Holding on to You.
In the middle of the storm,
I am Holding on,
I am


I am,
Holding on to You.
I am,
Holding on to you.
In the middle of the storm,
I am holding on,
I am

I had chills all over my body singing that song to my sweet boy who has lost so much but has gained even more. In the middle of the storm, I got to the be one to hold him and reassure him and provide him with comfort and security. What a privilege!!!

We don't have to adopt these beautiful children...WE GET TO. And to this day, I am so grateful for the opportunity and privilege it is to hold them, love them, and reassure them during the storm.  

Noah and Liam spontaneously covering Tuck's ears during the weekly tornado siren 

4 comments:

Kelly Preston said...

ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL...as always!!! Thanks for sharing...love you and your heart!

Kelleyn Rothaermel said...

So excited for you! Before you know it you will be in China!

Boppy said...

What a great reminder, that we "get" to be their mommy because God has chosen us to be. Thank you Amy :)

D Hurl said...

Tears of joy as I relate. yes, what an honor it is to, mother! May God continue to guide your family and protect you.

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