Tonight as I rocked you, I found myself singing the very same song that I sang to you in China the first night I held you in my arms. The sweetest part was hearing you sing those words right along with me. It is our song, Tuck, and for the rest of my life, I'll think of you when I hear it.
Hearts beat fast.
Colors and promises.
How to be brave.
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall.
Watching you stand alone.
All of my doubts,
Suddenly goes away somehow.
One step closer...
I have died everyday waiting for you.
Tucker, don't be afraid.
I have loved you for a thousand years.
I'll love you for a thousand more.
As I rocked you, I was thinking about that first night, how tiny and light you felt in my arms. Tears ran down my face in disbelief that we were finally together that night. You fought sleep for a few moments, and I assured you that you were safe and could go to sleep. Soon after, your eyes closed, and you fell asleep so peacefully in my arms. That night was such a gift, and I will never forget it.
You've been home now for six months and two days. I miss China all the time and cannot wait to go back someday. I know you are so young, yet you have incredible memories from your life before our family. I long for the days that you have the language and ability to share more with us. Last week, you and I were looking through a book together, talking about different kinds of fruits, animals, household items, etc. I turned to one specific page that talked about members of a family, and there were two pretty Asian girls next to one another. You pointed to them immediately and said, "China!" It was precious. Then, I saw a CD called Little Dragon Tales: Chinese Children's Songs on our Lifeline Facebook group and played the free samples of each song for you. I could have sworn that when I played one specific song, you looked at me with tears in your eyes. It broke my heart. I try to show you pictures of your time in China with your friends and nannies to help you remember and to honor your life before our family. I recently sent 20 pictures of you to your sweet nanny through another mom who recently adopted a little boy from your orphanage. Thanks again, Betty!
I was told that your nanny was so happy to receive them! I will always love this woman. She is so very special. I believe with my whole heart that you are alive because of her. I really hope that we can go visit her together someday.
Speaking of special people, I also found myself thinking about your birth mom while I rocked you tonight. I wondered if she, too, was thinking about it being your birthday tomorrow. I wish I could tell her you are safe and that we love you so much. I wonder where she lives, what she looks like, and wonder if she has dimples like you. I think about your birth father and wonder about his story. Do his eyes sparkle like yours when he smiles? I know as you grow older, you will think about them, too. You will have so many questions, and I know we will rarely have the answers you desire. I can only imagine the emotions you will experience. All I can promise you is that we will create a space where you can feel safe and loved as you process all of your thoughts and emotions. We will always be your family forever and ever. We can pray for your birth mom and birth dad. They gave you life, and we will always be grateful for that, my love.
You have changed so much in the past six months. You have gained nearly 6 lbs., and I am guessing that you have grown at least a couple inches. You understand so much English now and are saying more and more new words all the time. You have been so healthy and made it through surgery and recovery with flying colors. You adore your brothers, especially Noah who is very tender and loving to you. I know you enjoy your time with Liam, too, but that kid can be down right crazy sometimes. His playful chasing and squeezing hugs can overwhelm you, but you are learning to trust him, too. When your daddy comes home from work, you run to the door as fast as your tiny legs can carry you. No matter what time of day, you greet him with a loud and happy, "Good morning!!" We love it and don't have the heart to correct you because it is so cute.
Tuck, our relationship has come so far. From China to now, we have had quite a journey together. You have taught me so much about the way God loves us - so unconditional and with such grace. Even when we turn from Him, He pursues us still. Our beginning was not easy, and I had to dig deep in my attempt to love like God. Even when you brushed me off and turned away from me, I knew the only way we could build our relationship was to keep pursuing you just like God. With time and many prayers, our roots grew deeper and our love for one another grew stronger. I am so thankful for a God who redeems and reconciles, sweet boy.
Tucker, God is the creator of life, and your life has a purpose. I know your beginnings were unlike your brothers, mine, or your daddy's. Just remember that Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was born in a situation that did not align with the values of His time either. Nevertheless, a more important person has never existed. God chooses unexpected heroes to accomplish His works. He takes ordinary people like you and me, fills them with His purpose, and His Kingdom is impacted in powerful ways. If you are willing to give your life to Christ, He can do incredible things through you regardless of your beginnings, your mistakes, or your shortcomings. God uses the least likely people to accomplish great things. David was the youngest and smallest. Moses was of poor speech. Yet, God used their lives in powerful ways. How will you let God use your life?
You have already changed your daddy's, Noah's, Liam's, and my life in such extraordinary ways. I have received letter upon letter from our family and friends the past week, sharing how you have impacted their lives, as well. They are all so special, and I hope they will speak to your heart someday. More than anything, I want you to know and believe that you are valued, loved, important, desired, enjoyed, secure, and treasured. I can't wait to watch you grow and change over the next months and weeks and years. We love you so much! Thank you for changing our lives and helping us understand what truly matters in this life.