Friends, this is hard. So very hard.
I hit another lowest of the lows yesterday and the day before. It was awful. Feelings of hopelessness, anger, bitterness, frustration, sadness, despair...I felt them all. I was angry at God for allowing this to continue...for allowing my son to continue living in an orphanage. I have complete faith that He can change the course of our situation this very second if it is His will. So far, it hasn't been...not yet.
Not yet. And there lies the key: HOPE. It is buried underneath the rubble of sadness, desperation, anger, and bitterness, but it is still there. Today when I woke up, I began praying before I even opened my eyes - not for myself - but for so many people who are waiting for God to answer their prayers: a friend waiting for a birthmother to choose her, a friend waiting to be pregnant, a friend whose husband was very seriously injured in a motorcycle accident, and a woman whose son died the day after she brought him home from China. So many people who are waiting on the Lord right alongside me.
I believe with all my heart that the Bible is God's word and that in it lies the answers to all of our questions. The Bible provides me with every single TRUTH I need to know.
In ALL THINGS, God is working for my good. (Romans 8:28)
His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9)
God called us to adoption and is using this to open others' eyes to the least of these (Acts 22:14-15)
Suffering produces endurance, which produces character, which produces hope. (Romans 5:3-5)
I should rejoice in my suffering (Acts 5:40-41)
God wants me to share my feelings with him because He loves me (1 Peter 5:7)
God sometimes makes people wait much longer than they prefer. (Acts 13:17-19)
He will not leave Tucker as an orphan. (John 14:18)
God will do what He has promised. (Romans 4:20-21)
After we have suffered for a little while, God will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish us. (1 Peter 5:10)
These are some of the TRUTHS that sustain me through this adoption process. Most of the time, I find peace and encouragement in these truths, but I'm going to be honest with you, I have experienced heartbreak with an intensity that hurts to the core many times, as well. I ache to have Tucker in my arms, to see him play with his brothers, to watch him drink a cold glass of milk and a full meal. I long to give him a bath, wash his feet, dress him in clean pajamas, read him a story, tuck him into bed, and kiss him goodnight. The longing is an ache that never goes away. Thoughts of my son are always with me, nearly every minute of every day.
Last Saturday night, we were having a pool party with friends, and I was having a blast. Noah jumped off the diving board for the first time (HALLELUJAH!), Liam was swimming around with his puddle jumper on, and I was surrounded by so many people I love. I was smiling and looking around, having been lost in the experience for a few hours when it hit me square in the face.
Tucker wasn't there. He wasn't in the pool. He wasn't eating watermelon with the other kids. He wasn't riding on his daddy's back. He is still in China, feeling just as far away as he did the first time I saw his face on January 23rd.
I had a friend recently share with me that she really sees adoption in her future...not today or tomorrow...but someday. The mix of emotions I felt were so extreme. On the way hand, I was SO excited about all of the wonderful things she will experience in the adoption process: love and support of family and friends, friendship with other adoptive mommas, a new child to love, the redemption of an orphan, the spiritual growth she will endure, the closer relationship she will have with the Lord. Then, I also thought about the heartache she will experience. The longing, sadness, hopelessness, and despair she will go through while she waits to bring her child home.
Unfortunately, the China adoption process hasn't seen a major challenge like this since the SARS epidemic. It's hard to believe, but this new database is working for every single part of the China adoption process with the exception of LOA, which is what we are waiting to receive. For whatever reason, those of us who had preapproval to adopt our children before the new computer database was put into place are just STUCK. In the meantime, people who have received preapproval AFTER the database was implemented have started to get LOA...meaning they have waited sometimes less than a week. Imagine the devastation in my heart when I learn of those things. This is when I plead and cry and kick and scream for God to answer our prayers. It is hard.
Everyone who goes through the adoption process will tell you that every hurdle, every heartache, every hardship was worth it just to get to their child. They say they would go through everything all over again if they had to in order to bring their child home. Thank goodness for hindsight! It's so encouraging to us waiting mommas.
All I can do is think of the many, many blessings God gives us on a daily basis, remember His truths, and remind myself that Tucker is being taken care of by his nannies. God did not call us to this...He did not connect our hearts to Tucker...only to leave us. He will not abandon us in our wait. Until we hear the three letters we have been dying to hear for 111 days, we will keep hoping and praying that God will end this soon.