Of Course It's You

We had our first ultrasound today!

Isn't he beautiful??? Sorry, but in this journey, you need as much laughter as possible. It helps keep the balance of my constant thinking of who we hope will be our son, checking my email for updates from our agency, looking at our online banking to see if our personal checks have cleared for authentication (they all did yesterday), and communicating with hundreds of other parents adopting from China. Seriously, the support I have found in different yahoo and Facebook groups is unbelievable. I learn new things everyday! I am connecting with lots of moms who have adopted from the orphanage where our little guy is living. Some of them are leaving for China soon, while others are more in line with where we are in this process, meaning some of us could possibly travel together. It is very, very exciting! While support from our friends and family has been amazing, it is so comforting to know other moms who are having similar feelings, asking similar questions, and announcing big checkpoints in the adoption process.

Soon after Christmas, I just had this peace that seeing our son or daughter for the first time was going to happen soon. It didn't logically make sense, but it is just the way I felt. I really began to wonder, what will he/she look like? What does my baby's eyes, nose, lips, smile, hair, skin, fingers, tummy, and toes look like? It was the same feeling I had when I was pregnant with Noah and Liam. For 9 months I wondered what they would look like and couldn't wait to see them for the first time. Then, in that moment when they were placed in my arms, I took one look at them and immediately thought, "Well, of course this is what you look like. Of course. I've known you all along."

Going through the international adoption process, you see so many pictures of orphans. Beautiful, each and every one, fearfully and wonderfully made. I saw dozens and dozens of children with various medical conditions, some minor and some more extensive. I saw babies, and I saw teenagers. So much heartbreak for all of these kids who had to grow up in buildings without a mom or dad to show them unconditional love and meet their daily emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. Initially, I would look at each child's picture. Is it you? Are you my child? Am I your mom? Each time remembering that we felt called to adopt a child with CL/CP. Because it was so heartbreaking to look into these children's eyes, I sometimes stopped looking at their pictures - yes, I shamefully admit it. Instead I began to look at the medical conditions written under their names. I would then look at the VERY VERY VERY few children with CL/CP. My heart would only break for those few children raher than dozens and dozens of times. I began to wonder, how will I know? Will God give me a sign? Am I becoming desensitized to seeing these pictures in a way that will prevent me from knowing when I see my child? Everyone says, "Oh you will just know. You really will just know!" I trusted their words and God's leading in my life.

When we got the phone call from our social worker asking us to consider adopting a child without a CL/CP, we were in shock...even a little upset and taken aback. She knew our intentions...we had been clear. Why was she asking us this? After many tears and many, many tears after that, the shock of the situation subsided. I read through that little boy's file and viewed all of his pictures. While staring into those sweet eyes, I thought to myself, "Of course it's you. Of course. I've known you all along." It was the SAME EXACT feeling I had when I looked into Noah and Liam's eyes in those first minutes of their sweet little lives.

And that's when I knew.

I knew.

This little boy is my son.

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

This post makes me so happy. I felt the same way when we saw our little guy for the first time. It's a different feeling from all the other times you look at waiting child lists. Bizarre and beautiful at the same time.

Thank you for participating in the Love Builds a Family Link Up. I look forward to following your family's story!

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